IT WAS UGLY

Ok, I had it coming. Eating, drinking, and making merry for four days in a row does not make you lose weight. I just didn't realize how much I could gain. I'm sure most of that is bloat from the alcohol and also from my current PMS state, but still yo. I sucked ass this week. Fo' shizzle.

The one thing I did do different this time is not give in and be defeated. My normal pattern is to say, "fuck it" and blow off my meeting and weigh in and then spiral out of control until I eventually quit. This time I didn't. I forced myself to both weigh in and stay for the meeting because I knew seeing the numbers and being at the meeting would motivate me to do better. And I was right.

C and I have started this new "competition" where we see who can get the most activity points during the week. The lowest score puts $5 into our "fatty fund" and we let it accumulate until we decide it's time to spend it. At that point, we'll split the dough and get something nice for each of us. That hopefully won't involve food. Maybe a haircut or manicure or something like that.

In any case, it's motivational for us to get up and get moving and it's positive competition because we both encourage each other to do our best. C is kicking ASS, though! She's been jogging and working her thang and she's looking great. She's so motivational to me right now and I'm so proud of her. But since the jar now has $10 of MY money, I'm going to beat you this week, C!

So, the weigh-in was ugly and embarassing (hence why I'm not posting it), but I feel good about getting back on track. Feel free to drop me an encouraging note in the comments section. I could use it this week. :)

NO, I HAVEN'T QUIT.

I'll admit it, I've had a rough few weeks.

Two weeks ago after the 3.2 lb gain, I weighed in again to find that I gained .2 lbs. It was really a blow to my motivation and I was pissed, so I didn't post.

Last week, I was actually excited to weigh in because I had done well and had tons of activity points. Because of the holiday, I decided to go to an earlier meeting at a different location, so I drove the 20 mins to the meeting only to find the doors locked. I went home, checked the schedule online, and realized I was looking at the wrong day. DOH. And because I had a friend in town and a hella busy schedule, I never got to weigh in last week. Which is too bad because it would have been good, unlike this week.

I started eating on Thanksgiving day and don't think I stopped until yesterday. Not only that, but I rarely drink and I had wine and mixed drinks every day as well. Not good. I was away in NYC for a gig over the weekend and we just ate out and ate crappy food every day. GAH. Stupid. I got home and everythign felt tighter and I was crazy bloated.

I got it back together yesterday and today and I'm back on track and focused, but I am SO not looking forward to tomorrow's weigh-in. I'm nervous I may have gained everything back. Yes, that bad.

Fingers crossed.

AWESOME PIZZA FIND - GO GET YOURS!

LEAN CUISINE BBQ CHICKEN PIZZA - 7 POINTS

Oh good lord, I think I may have died and gone to heaven! This pizza ROCKS.
It's brick-oven style and has big, chunky pieces of chicken on it. The bbq
is good and there's also yummy red onions on it.

For a girl like me who loves a good BBQ Chicken Pizza, this totally rocks my world.
7 points is a little higher than I like for a frozen thing, but points well spent.

PMS, 1. DIVA, +3.2

PMS wins again.

I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but to be honest, I expected only 1-2 lbs. 3.2 blows. I know I'll lose it this week, but it still sucks to know that every month I'll have one week of a gain and a week after where I practically starve myself to take that off and catch back up. But such is the life of a recovering fat girl.

Tonight at the meeting, our leader Jean (who's AWESOME) was asking us what was different about this time and why we were succeeding. I realized that what's different for me (as corny as it sounds) is that this time I forgive myself for gains like this. In the past, a gain like this would make me say "screw this" and be impetus for me to jam more food down my throat. Instead, I just feel motivated. I know that PMS is a force that I just cannot control and that I will just have to forgive, forget, and move on. I WILL lose it this week. I just feel motivated to continue on. It's slow, but it will happen. I just know it this time.

So just stay tuned for next week, where I will kick ass with a nice big weight loss!

I'M RAVENOUS

All I want to do is eat right now. And not good stuff. PMS is kicking my ass.

I finally got my appetite back after being sick for a few days and I CANNOT STOP EATING. JUNK. For the past two days, I had chinese food. What the HELL am I thinking?? I haven't eaten a vegetable for a week now. I am so off-track and I need to do something about this ASAP.

First in order: find some kind of over-the-counter and/or alternative medication to help with PMS symptoms. It's really out of control. I've been severely depressed for a week now. I have absolutely nothing to be depresessed ABOUT, as my life is really good...I just AM and I can't control it because my hormones are out of whack. Add to that being sick, and then being hungry and eating uncontrollably - it's not pretty.

So today, I told PMS to fuck off. I went to the kitchen to find something disgusting to eat and I just stopped myself and talked myself through it. Then I grabbed a video tape, threw it in, and starting exercizing. And now, I feel AMAZING.

It's no lie. Endorphines rule. And I'm going to be self-medicating myself through PMS with exercize from now on. Fuck PMS. I'm going to win this battle if it kills me!

NO WEIGH-IN TONIGHT :(

So, I'm home sick today with a stomach thing. FABULOUS. Gah. It's not even at the full-blown stage yet, but I'm really weak and tired and I can't even muster the strength to take a shower.

Normally, this would probably result in a big loss next week since I'm not eating and my body is purging just about everything, but next week is week 4 and you know what that means:

PMS, BITCH.

Bleck.

WEIGH IN # 6 - HUH?!?

Ok, somewhere along the lines, I forgot how to count past 3. I screwed up my weigh in weeks. But tonight was my 6th weigh-in, and it kicked ass!

All week, I've been shooting for the .8 lb loss so I could get that stupid bookmark. Well, turns out you get the bookmark at FIVE lbs, and don't get anything for 10. GAH. No matter, because my weigh-in was reward enough:

I LOST -2.6 LBS!

That brings me to a total of -11.8 lbs, which averages out to just under 2 lbs a week. A nice, healthy and safe way to lose and MAINTAIN my weight. I'm really doing this. Hells yeah.

Also, I realized tonight when I was getting changed into my jammies that I can pull my jeans right off. No unzipping or unbuttoning. They slide right off. Granted I have no ass, but still. Yay!

THE RED SHIRT

A lot of you know that about 4 years ago, I did WW and lost 50 lbs. It was a HUGE accomplishment for me since I had never been able to lose weight before. I was at my heaviest then - a number that I'm too embarassed to even type out. Unfortunately, I quit the program and gained back about 39 lbs of it. That was also embarassing AND frustrating.

So when I started this time, I was down approx 11 lbs from my original weigh in. So naturally, I keep two tallies in my head:

-TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS *NOW*
-TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS FROM MY ORIGINAL HIGH POINT WEIGHT

Right now, I'm down a total of 9.2 lbs. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't seem like much, but this weekend I was reminded of the real way it's affecting me:

I was out to dinner over the weekend with my friend Kendra. We had some time to kill before we were seated, and I had a coupon to Lane Bryant, so I decided to poke around. I always do well with pants there, but because I'm so busty with a long torso and big belly, the tops are either too small or unflattering.

I found this top in red and brown - both on clearance for $9.99, so I figured I'd just give it a shot and try them on. They fit, but I've been wearing big, loose tops for so long now, I immediately thought it was too tight and form-fitting. Kendra made me show her, and when I came out of the dressing room, she gasped and told me how great the top looked on and that I HAD to buy them.

Once she said that, I took another look in the mirror and realized that this top WAS loose and that it DID look good and fit perfectly. It was like staring at my self-esteem in the mirror. And I always have trouble with their sizes, so I was surprised that only a 9.2 loss would have this fitting so well. But then I remembered, I may be down 9.2 now, but I'm down EXACTLY 20 LBS from when I first started WW a few years ago. And twenty lbs DOES make a difference in how my clothes fit. And it felt DAMN GOOD to realize that my body IS changing and it's ok for me to not wear big, baggy clothes all the time.

So, I wore the brown top with pride to my weigh-in Wednesday. I love how it looks, but I love even more how proud I feel that I'm taking the weight off again and that I'm really making changes physically.

The red one is being saved for a special event - to be worn with a kick-ass skirt and the tall, black boots I just ordered. :)

PHEW. WEIGH IN # 4 !

Ok, I had a good week and a bad week:

BAD: My online account where I store all my point tracking and progress got completely screwed up and WW online was NO help. After sending 10 emails, I got NO RESPONSE. I used that as an excuse to be lazy about tracking my point.

GOOD: I still was VERY good about staying in my points - even though I was keeping track in my head. And looks like I may need to track my PMS week differently, because I lost this week:]

-2.6 lbs

Yay! It's really good that I lost. I feel motivated again and back on track. But I'm pooped, so that's all your getting for an entry tonight. :)

UNIMPRESSED. WITH MY BODY.

Shit.

I gained 1.8 lbs this week. And it was unexpected for the most part.

I ate well this week. I exercized a LOT: lots of walking, Tae-Bo, a dance video, arm free weights, crunches and ab work. I ate more veggies and an ENTIRE DINNER of vegetables. So I ask you: WHAT THE F!?!

I had one night of "cheating" when I had chinese food at poker because I was literally going to pass out from hunger. That's it.

My hope is that THIS WEEK was the PMS / water bloat week, and that will result in a giant weight loss next week. If so, I can deal with the gain. If not, it doesn't leave me a hell of a lot of motivation to eat well and exercize.

But you know, regardless of the gain, I am still motivated to make this work and make this stick. I'm glad that I have C (who lost 2.8 lbs this week - rock it, girl!) and the other gals in my group to hang with and vent to.

In other news, looks like I'll be sleeping in later:

ARTICLE

I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT

Yesterday, I went to Target with my 8 year old neice and she kept singing that song: "I like to move it (x3)...I like to...MOVE IT!!" It was cracking me up. Who is that? Sean Paul? I have no idea. I'm getting so old. Anyhow, today I moved it, moved it. This is my new at-home program and I did this ALL today:

-Walked Julip for 2 miles
-Did free-weights for my arms (10 mins)
-Did the treadmill (10 mins)
-Did a 10 minute ab workout video
-Did a 10 minute cardio dance workout

So overall, I did about 1 hour and 10 mins of exercize today. HOLY CRAP.

But I feel good. I always feel like I'm getting stronger if I'm working out and using my body. I'll try to do at least a combination of 3 of these things every day - although walking with Julip happens EVERY day.

I can't wait until I lose enough weight that I'm not working against my own weight. I want my body to move because I command it too, not because it just DOES. lol

Anyhow, it was a good workout day and I'm curious to see how it affects my weight loss now!

WEEKENDS

Weekends are beginning to get tough for me again. I always want to splurge and not cook on the weekends - just order out something yummy and fattening and be done with it. So, this weekend was tough, but not horrible:


Friday: I ate well for breakfast and lunch and was just not feeling well around dinner time, so I didn't eat anything. I felt a little sick to my stomach, so I just watched a movie and went to bed. I was way under on my points.

Saturday: Ate well for breakfast, didn't eat lunch, and then went to a poker game where I suddenly realized I was STARVING. I passed on the numerous bags of chips, but when they ordered chinese food, I dug in. I mixed white rice and fried rice and had about a cup of that (8 points), 3 chicken fingers, and 2 pieces of terriyaki.

Today: Took my aunt out to lunch at the 99. I chose a salad, but I chose the buffalo wing salad. I didn't eat the bread and used only 1/2 of the dressing, but still not the best choice. Got in lots of veggies, though, which is good. I also gave one of the wings to my aunt and another to my neice to lighten the point load.

Dinner: chicken and rice. Luckily, I got in a lot of walking today and also did strength training with the weights, so I was able to swap out activity points. I've never had to do that before because I usually don't go over my points, so I'm hoping it all works out in the end.

I didn't do horribly, but again, I could have made better choices. I need to become more structured on the weekends like I am during the week in order for me to stay on track. That's my goal for the next week thru weekend: to make better choices on the tougher days and to be prepared for that.

Also new this week: a new dance video for exercize! Whoo hoo!

I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S TRUE

Ladies and gentlemen: tonight, the unthinkable happened. Take a gander at my dinner this evening:



This dinner looks innocent enought, doesn't it? Clearly, a nice salad on the right, and what appears to be a pasta dish on the left. But NO! It's NOT. In fact, it's ALL VEGETABLE! I cooked up my very first spaghetti squash, and therefore my ENTIRE DINNER was vegetable!

Now, if you know me well or have been reading this blog, you know that I do NOT have a love affair with vegetables. But in my quest to get in more nutritious food, eat healthier, and think of food as FUEL, I'm trying like hell to eat more veggie adventurous.

Granted, there's a whole lotta cheese on that salad, but I ate ALL VEGGIES, SO CUT ME SOME SLACK! Actually, the cheese was fat free crumbled feta and only two points for all of that. AND, some of what you're looking at is actually diced onion.

The squash was really easy to cook: you just cut that sucker in half, scrape out the seeds, poke some holes in it with a fork, take a pan and fill it about 2 inches of water, place it inside side down, and bake for about 45 minutes on 350. Once it's done cooking, you scrape it out with a fork and it comes out in long stringy pieces like spagetti. I sauteed some onions and garlic and then mixed it all together and put the sauce on top with some pepper.

And point-wise, let's break this down:

Spaghetti Squash: 0 - that's right ZERO - POINTS!
Veggie Pasta Sauce: 2 points
Fat Free Parmesan: 1 point
Salad: 0 points
Fat Free Feta: 2 points
Lite Greek Dressing: 2 points

The entire dinner: 6 POINTS!

And here are the nutritional benefits:

This food is low in Saturated Fat, and very low in Cholesterol. It is also a good source of Niacin, Vitamin B6, Pantothenic Acid, Potassium and Manganese, and a very good source of Dietary Fiber and Vitamin C.

But still, I missed the meat. lol

FALSE ALARM

Ok, so it turns out that I'm a paranoid dink. I lost -1 this week. Not bad for a gal who thought she was going to be drowned in her her own water retention. Yay for surprise weight losses!

TODAY, I FEAR THE SCALE.

What a week. I always forget what a struggle the third week of every month is for me. I'm fighting emotional trauma, food cravings, ache-y legs and boobs, water retention - it's just a week of PMS hell for me. Overall, I didn't do too poorly, but there were moments when I gave into cravings, and then I'd just beat myself up or punish myself for that. It's really kind of a sick and twisted joke that nature plays on women. I cannot WAIT for menopause. Seriously.

During my last successful bout of Weight Watchers, I'd always get frustrated by this week of hell because I'd always inevitably either gain or stay the same. There was NEVER a loss on this week. And judging from the way I feel right now, there won't be this week either. You know those old rubber hot water bottles that the old folks used for aches and pains? That's what I feel like. Just this big old fattie sloshing around. Gah. I HATE PMS.

And despite the fact that I know there's not much I can do about PMS, and despite the fact that I KNOW that I'm not going to lose tonight (in fact, I'll probably gain), I'm already beating myself up over it and fighting some mild depression (well, that's tied in with the mood swings, but still - no loss doesn't help). THIS is a major part of my battle with food. Breaking old habits. That includes eating patterns AND mental roadblocks and behaviors. I had a bad week. I should shut up and move on and think positive, but it's hard. Mostly because I feel like I don't have much control over the emotional and mood swing aspect of things.

But in any case, this is my attempt to prepare for tonight's potential gain. Overall, I did well: I stayed within my points, still have almost all of my flex points, got at least 3 activity/exercize points each day, and I'm still down. Just swishy from all the water retention. Venting like this is helping me break the cycle and see how I beat myself up. If I can see it and how irrational it is, I can fix it.

I'll swim back later and give you an update.

THE FRIDGE OF A HEALTHY GIRL!

PMS will kick my ass no more! I went out today and LOADED my fridge with healthy choices. I also threw away any junk-type food that I might give in to. Don't get me wrong, these are not things that I'll never have again, they are just things that will impede me from my progress right now, and therefore must go.

So let's take a looksy into my fridge, shall we? I still can't believe this is the inside of MY fridge, but dammit, I WILL live a healthy lifestyle and I WILL make good choices, and I WILL eat vegetables - even if it kills me. (which we all know it won't, but I like to be dramatic...)

TOP SHELF: Fruit Juice boxes - mostly for my neice, but every once in a while I get a craving for a sweet drink, and it's a better alternative than soda. Diet Cherry Coke, low-point pasta sauce, low-fat cheeses (I won't eat fake cheese - bleck), diced onions and peppers.

SHELF TWO: Veggie wrap sandwich from Trader Joe's, grilled garlic herb chicken breast from Trader Joe's, lowfat yogurt, eggs.

SHELF THREE: Beer (a gift from my neighbors - a multipack!), tons of bottled water, cranberry and grapefruit juice for mixers when I have company, low-fat yogurt, diced, jarred garlic, strawberries, dates (the only kind I have lately).

BOTTOM DRAWER: Lots and lots of veggies!! Lettuce, tomato, cukes, onions, asparagus, broccoli, spagetti squash, carrots, celery....

I'm actually excited to try the spagetti squash. I've heard a lot of good things about how you can eat it like spagetti and it's so much better for you. I like asparagus with chicken or pork, and I'll be eating lots of salad this week.

So, this photo makes me feel better about any damage I may have done this weekend. I'm still on track and focused, and I'm going to fight PMS with every ounce of my being.

And remember - send great veggie recipes my way!!

PMS MELTDOWN

Ok, I know a lot of people think that PMS is bullshit, but I'm here to tell you that it is NOT. It's real, and I deal with it for a week out of every month.

When I was younger, I never really had any problems. As I got older, I got hit hard with some of the major symptoms: horrible mood swings and emotional outbursts, jittery nerves, headaches, water bloat, and the worst of all, ravenous appetite. All I want to do is eat, and I'm not talking about carrots and lettuce, and Friday night through Saturday afternoon, I gave in.

Friday night I was craving sweets. I had bought some Snackwell's Devil Food Cookies for our game night (which never came to be), which were 1 point each. I ate four of them. I also had a caramel apple (3 points), and a few jellybeans. This was spread out over the night, but somehow I still managed to stay -4 below my points for the day. Still, it pissed me off that I gave in to the sweets and let my appetite control me. And of course, I was all emotional about my inability to stave off the ravenous appetite.

On Saturday, I "confessed" to a friend, and felt better that I was aware of the power that food still has over me, and made a choice to find some sort of tea or over the counter mediciation to help me deal with these really crappy PMS symptoms. I don't want anything getting me off track - even my own body's chemical reactions.

Still, yesterday was a disaster. I didn't plan, and I was rushing around. I haven't been getting much sleep, so I ended up sleeping in until 11:00, which is pretty much unheard of for me these days. I woke up, got dressed, and had to drop my dog Julip off at my parent's house for the night before I went to run some errands and then go to a concert. I realized as I was going there that I hadn't eaten anything and wouldn't have time to eat before the concert. So, I pulled through McDonald's drivethru. Yes. I did.

I got a cheeseburger and chicken mcnuggets. And now, not only did I make an awful choice, but I'm letting that choice consume me with guilt. It's the only thing I ate yesterday, but I know how horrible 1) the choice was and 2)how horrible it was to punish myself and not eat anything else.

It's pretty clear that although I'm winning the war, I'm still fighting a lot of smaller battles.

So today, I'm going to the market and buying LOTS of veggies. I need to make smarter, more prepared choices. And say goodbye to cheeseburgers once and for all.

LOW POINT GAME NIGHT

Tonight is the first time I'm having a group of folks over to my place for "game night!" I'm really excited, and not only because we're playing games, but because I've got a bunch of like-minded healthy friends coming. So rather than do our usual chinese food or pizza take out, I'm preparing low-point snacks for everyone. Here's what I'm having:


-My 1 point Smart Pop Kettle Corn, of course!
-Fruit and Veggies
-1 point Vegetable potstickers
-1 point No-Pudge brownies
-1 point Cranberry Orange bread

I'm still gung-ho, hard-core, and keeping on track. It's week 3, and I'm not even CLOSE to faltering. I'm prepared, motivated, planning ahead. Gahdamn! I'm proud of myself.

WEIGH-IN # 2 : RESULTS

As my brother would say: HOLY SHNIKIES!!

I lost 3.4 lbs this week, bring my two week total weight loss to 7.4 lbs! Whoo hoo!

Something is just RIGHT about this time around. I'm working hard, and I don't feel deprived and I just feel like I'm in a very good place mentally to do this.

Even my cheat night choices weren't so bad. I had 22 points left for today, and I had saved 32 flex** points for cheat night. What did I choose? I got a coke, because I was really craving one, and I got a buffalo chicken salad and french onion soup. Not the healthiest soup and salad combination, but also not a big pasta dish or ginormous bacon burger. I was fairly heathly in my choice - ON CHEAT NIGHT.

I'm just really proud of myself right now. Bring on week 3!!

**For those of you not in the Weight Watchers know, you are allowed a certain number of "points" to eat each day, and are given 35 "flex points" to use throughout the week. You can use the flex points a few at a time each day, or use them all at once for a special treat. I've decided to save them for cheat night. It allows me to have something a little more fattening without feeling guilty, and I have an entire week to be good after I eat.

WEEK 2 IS ALMOST COMPLETE!

I've made it through Week 2 without cheating or messing up! Hooray for me!

The first two weeks are usually the toughest - at least for me. Your body is really adjusting to the new way of eating and drinking, and every food demon rears it's big, ugly head. Things I don't even normally want beg for me to eat them. Example: I'm not a big cake eater. I don't dislike it, I just never ever crave it. But Sunday was my dad's birthday party and we had cupcakes. I HAVE NEVER WANTED A CUPCAKE SO BADLY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! But I was able to resist and did not have one. I was really proud of myself that I won that little battle.

On WW, you really CAN eat anything as long as you count the points. But I'm trying to CHANGE what I eat and my unhealthy patterns along with losing weight. So having a cupcake doesn't work towards that goal.

My bigger problem is vegetables. Someone PLEASE help me with this. I've never been a big fan, and I have to force myself to eat them. I love salad, but cooked veggies and I have never had an agreeable partnership.

Here's what I DO like:

-salad of all forms
-asparagus with balsamic vinegrette
-steamed broccoli with a little bit of grated parmegan
-corn and potatoes (of course! I'm a good irish girl)

If anyone has some kick-ass recipes or ideas for veggies, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Weigh-in tomorrow! I'll keep you posted....