TODAY, I FEAR THE SCALE.

What a week. I always forget what a struggle the third week of every month is for me. I'm fighting emotional trauma, food cravings, ache-y legs and boobs, water retention - it's just a week of PMS hell for me. Overall, I didn't do too poorly, but there were moments when I gave into cravings, and then I'd just beat myself up or punish myself for that. It's really kind of a sick and twisted joke that nature plays on women. I cannot WAIT for menopause. Seriously.

During my last successful bout of Weight Watchers, I'd always get frustrated by this week of hell because I'd always inevitably either gain or stay the same. There was NEVER a loss on this week. And judging from the way I feel right now, there won't be this week either. You know those old rubber hot water bottles that the old folks used for aches and pains? That's what I feel like. Just this big old fattie sloshing around. Gah. I HATE PMS.

And despite the fact that I know there's not much I can do about PMS, and despite the fact that I KNOW that I'm not going to lose tonight (in fact, I'll probably gain), I'm already beating myself up over it and fighting some mild depression (well, that's tied in with the mood swings, but still - no loss doesn't help). THIS is a major part of my battle with food. Breaking old habits. That includes eating patterns AND mental roadblocks and behaviors. I had a bad week. I should shut up and move on and think positive, but it's hard. Mostly because I feel like I don't have much control over the emotional and mood swing aspect of things.

But in any case, this is my attempt to prepare for tonight's potential gain. Overall, I did well: I stayed within my points, still have almost all of my flex points, got at least 3 activity/exercize points each day, and I'm still down. Just swishy from all the water retention. Venting like this is helping me break the cycle and see how I beat myself up. If I can see it and how irrational it is, I can fix it.

I'll swim back later and give you an update.